Edward Arguello

Edward Rueben Arguello was born a poor brown child on June 7th, or maybe it was 8th, 1946. Could have been the 6th or the 9th, we’re not really sure. That is what happens when you’re born at home and your father, who was a coal miner, didn’t really keep track of dates. Sam and Margaret Arguello had stopped keeping track of the kids by that time. But he was a son, so that did make him a tiny bit special. Gloria the hellion, Rebecca the favorite daughter, Sandra the cranky one, Antonio the free spirit, and the way free spirit Deborah were the other misfits in Trinidad, Colorado.

Somewhere along the line Antonio, who at that time was just Anthony, managed to find his way into the Army National Guard and somehow convinced Edward that going to Missouri in the middle of winter to join up was a good idea. (And Edward was the smart one, so they say.) The only saving grace was this hot young chick, Sadie Spicola, was waiting for him back home. She had visions of the GI Bill in her mind. And Sadie managed to drag Edward to the altar on September 12th, 1964.

Sadie found herself with child, but unfortunately that first son passed shortly before birth on June 11, 1965. Undeterred, Edward and Sadie would bring another son into the world. Edward wasn’t there at the birth of this second son, and instead was playing soldier in some cornfield, God knows where. Still high on the pain meds and euphoria of delivery, Sadie couldn’t come up with an original name for this child, so she picked the name of her husband, and first son. The replacement was complete. Edward Reuben… the 2nd? 3rd, 4th, somewhere in there… arrived on June 16th, 1966.

Of course, no family is complete without a princess, and in a family with mainly boy cousins, Edward and Sadie searched under a rock on July 15, 1972, and found an orphan gnome and named her Melissa. She was named after a witch from a show that Jack… now how the heck did we get Jack from Edward!?! Oh yeah, replacement child…

So how did Edward support this young family in a town known for sex transplants? Well, of course, he followed his father’s footsteps into the coal mines. Some say his brother-in-law Jose was to blame, but it could have been a night of liquor at the El Rancho. After nearly being buried alive somewhere underneath Raton pass, Edward decided to get his family the heck out of Trinidad and move closer to his drinking buddy Jose in Denver. Imagine someone painting a good pair of cowboy boots orange? Yeah, it happened.

Arriving in Denver, Edward managed to con the Coors Brewing Company into hiring him in the warehouse on the mistaken premise that he could drive a forklift. Now who told them that he could do that? The evidence has long since been expunged. Not liking the taste of Coors Banquet, Edward soon jumped ship and took his deceit to Ft. Collins where Anheiser-Busch would be none the wiser.

After a furious round of cleaning her house for the 15th time that day, and a rogue trip “up the hill”, Sadie sadly passed away on May 3, 1997, but not before locking Edward into a dual plot on the sunny side of a hill in Arvada. Edward would pine away for the next 24 years, waiting to join his beloved bride in hopes that when he arrived, she wouldn’t be cranky, and he wouldn’t have to sit outside for having brought muddy footprints on to the new carpet… again.

The one good thing that kept Edward going over those years was that his brat… er princess, Melissa continued to grace him with additional mouths to feed in the form of her unending string of mutants. Emily the easy going first born who was doted on; Deidre the cranky sassy one (do we see a pattern here?); Gavin the bonus grandson missing a few cards short of a deck; McKayley the basketball power-forward mover who would eventually con her way into HAH-VUHD; Colton/Bubba, the poor child who can’t read or write (DEYSXLXAI) who will soon be jumping onto a big rig with the “woo woo lights”; and JJ the lawsuit 10th round knockout child would all mooch rides and bum dinners off of Edward until the great-grand kids arrived.

Marcus, the sensitive first great-grand child that was REALLY doted on; Rory the second born firecracker child (why do we keep having these second children?); and Mr. Loxley the master of the sweetest laugh who is understudy to Evil Knievel completed the mutations and debt for Edward.

Having tired of the mooching, and endless strings of hugs and kisses that kept bringing every kind of germ into his home (don’t these people know a pandemic is underway?), Edward succumbed to the love surrounding him the day after Christmas (that’s December 26th for you non-believers), 2021. He will be laid to rest in the depths of the earth (didn’t he avoid this once already, successfully?) next to Sadie in the Arvada Cemetery on January 12, 2022.

Believe or not…